I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
