alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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