he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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