when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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