mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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