I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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