I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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