Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
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Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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