I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
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