I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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