Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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