Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
