Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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