you traded sex for a burrito?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Randomize
