YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
