she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
