I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
