My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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