the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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