I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
