Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
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They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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