my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
