If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
