She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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