Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
