You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
