My liver just broke up with me...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
