Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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