I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
