I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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