I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
