Do you still have your period?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
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HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
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I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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