Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
