i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
