I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
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His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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