the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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