That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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