i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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