Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
