You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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