If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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