So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
