My liver just broke up with me...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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