Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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