Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
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sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
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Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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