I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
