if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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