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Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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