i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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