I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
