why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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