Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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