Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
