woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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