Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
