Screwed.edu
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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