Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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