My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
