i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
