i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
